Performance Anxiety

Ideally, sex should be a way to release stress and tension; it shouldn’t be a source of it. Unfortunately, however, for some guys, sex causes them nothing but anxiety, self-doubt, and shame.

In this lesson we are going to discuss performance anxiety. This is when you are able to get an erection when you're alone or before sex, but you lose your erection when it comes time to do the deed.  Performance anxiety is actually one of the most common sex-related complaints among men.

Part of the problem with this issue lies within the name itself “performance”; Sex is not a performance, it’s not something to be scrutinized or evaluated by an audience. A performance mindset leads many men to be self-conscious, self-critical, worried, and tense during sex. This in turn often results in the very problem men worry about in the first place: not staying hard, premature ejaculation or difficulty experiencing orgasm.

It's important to know that there's a difference between not “performing” the way you want to on occasion and actually having erectile dysfunction. Many men believe themselves to have ED, when they are actually experiencing performance anxiety. Under enormous social pressure to be smooth sexual performers at every stage call and with all co-stars, they are mistakenly self-diagnosing with ED after a few less than spectacular experiences.

Having a disappointing sexual experience from time to time is perfectly normal and not usually a cause for concern. However, this may lead you to be anxious about having sex in the future, and this anxiety may cause erection issues to continue by becoming a self-fulling prophecy.

Performance anxiety is often triggered by worry and negative self-talk. There are many thoughts that can contribute to performance anxiety, whether it’s worrying if you’ll be able to stay hard or if you are going to cum at the right time, to being anxious about pleasing your partner or measuring up to your partner’s previous lovers.  And in general any negative thinking in other realms of life, even outside of sex, may also contribute to performance anxiety. 

As one client who struggled with performance anxiety for many years put it:

“I was putting the expectation on myself to show up with a perfect performance in the bedroom just to keep up an image I had created in my own mind. It had to be the best sex she’s ever had, the most orgasms she’s ever experienced, an erection so hard it would be indistinguishable from a tree trunk, and I had to time my orgasm for the exact perfect moment. I also had to use my telepathic powers to know exactly what she wanted without having to ask her. I literally had to blow her away right out of the gate.”

Talk about pressure. The natural cascade that needs to happen so you can have a hard erection can’t unfold when you are so in your head.

Another cause for performance anxiety is feeling intimidated by a woman. Many men get nervous around a woman they find particularly beautiful, sexy, intelligent or self-confident. 

Although they may list these as traits they would like in a partner, when they are confronted with the possibility to be with this kind of woman, their own insecurities arise, but often their dick doesn’t. 

I personally experienced this several times when I became single and started dating again. I couldn’t understand why men who seemed so obviously attracted to me would choke and run away before anything could develop. I suppose it didn’t help that I keep a discectable model of a male penis laying around… 

So let’s discuss a few tips for addressing performance anxiety.

 

<Prime your Partner's Pump>

If your anxiety stems from fear of not pleasing your partner or not bringing her to orgasm before you ejaculate, then prime her pump. What does this mean? 

 

Men typically require two to ten minutes of intercourse to reach orgasm. While most women require at least  20 minutes of stimulation to reach climax. And the truth is that most women do not  orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. In fact, between 70 and 90 % of women report being unable to achieve orgasm with penetration alone. 

 

So armed with this information, there are lots of things you can do to increase the odds of your partner orgasming during sex and relieve some of the pressure to please her with your erect penis alone. 

Once your partner is fully turned on and juicy, and your body is responding with an erection, you can move to penile penetration. 

And if your penis isn’t in the mood to play, you can do wonders with your fingers and mouth.

Sex positions that provide simultaneous G-spot and clitoral stimulation are often the fastest route to orgasm for a woman. Penetrating her from behind with her on her hands and knees is a good option because the angle allows your penis to hit her G-spot, while she can reach down with her hand, or a sex toy, and stimilate her own clitoris. Some women are a little bit shy about doing this, so you may want to encourage her to self-stimulate.

<image :woman on top >

Positions where the female is on top, allows the woman to get a lot of  friction and stimulation to her clitoris, although this position may be challenging if cumming to quickly is a concern as you don’t have as much control over the speed and depth of penetration and may get pushed over the edge before you are ready. 

So if pleasing your partner or bringing her to orgasm is causing you performance anxiety, slow things down, provide lots of foreplay, and include clitoral stimulation during intercourse. It’s important to know how the female body works and use it to your advantage. The more you know, the more confident and in control you will feel.

<Be open with your partner >

Talking with your partner about your anxiety can help ease some of your worries. This is what my current lover did. The first time we went to make love his body just wasn't responding.  He was a little freaked out by what was happening, or rather what wasn't happening.  One thing he'd always prided himself on was being a great lover and he was eager to show off his skills. So when he wasn't able to get an erection during one of our first sexual encounters, he nearly ran for the hills.  But he’s a smart man who knew he’d be a fool not to figure this thing out. 

And figure it out he did.

He starting by sharing his feelings of nervousness with me. He told me all the ways in which I intimidated him. And that was before he knew I keep a dissectible penis on my office desk.

 I was really grateful he was willing to be vulnerable.  It allowed me to address some of his concerns as well as share some of my vulnerabilities. 

I was able assure him that I didn't need or expect our sex to be earth shattering the first time. As long as the connection was juicy and charged, we knew the mechanical aspects of our sex life would work themselves out. 

By taking this approach, we have built trust around sharing our bodies intimately with each other and are experienceing the most incredible sex life full of deep tenderness and primal fucking.

 

There is really no need to rush into penetrative sex right away. Just play, let the energy build.  From my own experience and that of my clients, I have learned that it almost always takes a little while for your own sexual energy to integrate with your new partner's sexual energy.  You may just need to spend more time going slow together, getting comfortable with each other, finding other ways to impress her other than just your skills in the bedroom. 

The first few times that you're with a new partner, it’s not uncommon to not be able to get an erection, or maybe you get an erection when you are making out but lose it when you go to penetrate.  It’s also very common to ejaculate faster than you want to or maybe not be able to orgasm at all. All of these things are normal and you are not alone in this experience. 

If this happens to you, let your partner know that you do desire her, but that right now your body is overcome with excitement by her and not responding the way you want it to. You don’t have to apologize. As long as she knows it’s not her fault and that you really are attracted to her, she will understand. 

Anxiety and excitement are two sides of the same coin.  If you are both thrilled and terrified by this amazing creature in front of you, then tell her that.  If you find her beautiful, tell her. Tell her you desire her and that you long to please her. Women love that!  And it goes a long way in fueling her desire for you.

And then have a really hot makeout kissing session. As you will learn later,  there can be a difference between where you are on your arousal scale versus your erection scale. If you are aroused and full of passion, it will come through in your touch, your look, your words and your energy. You can leave a woman feeling fully ravished at the end of the night, even without fucking her. I can promise you that almost any woman would prefer that to an energetically empty but technically proficient sexual performance.

Remember, for most women, they don’t need it to be mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic sex right out of the gate to keep their interest. Despite what porn portrays, most women are also a little nervous during their first encounter with a new lover. 

And remember, women do not carry the same weight of “performancing” that men do. This is because our body’s natural sexual responses are not necessary for penetrative sex to happen.  For example if a woman is not naturally wet you can lube her up, if her clitoris, which is erectile tissue, does not get “hard”, penetration can still happen.  And her orgasm can be faked or sometimes just hard to identify when it does happen. Although it is my hope that all women are wet, erect and enjoying orgasms with sex, they get off easy when it comes to “perfoming”. So give yourself a break. And trust that your partner will too.

What's most important is the way you show up for her, your presence, your attention and intention. Just the way you look at her can cause a woman to fall in love with you. When you are willing to open up, be real and share your anxiety and excitement around sexually pleasing your partner, it can draw you closer and improve your sexual intimacy.

<Activate Your Relaxation Response>

Now remember, any form of stress or anxiety can set off the sympathetic nervous system. When the “fight or flight” response is triggered, blood flows away from the center of your body, meaning it flows away from your cock. For arousal, blood needs to flow into the genitals and other erogenous zones. Now, this fight or flight system is useful if you're in real danger and need the blood in your limbs so you can be a fighter, but it’s not helpful when you need the blood in your penis so you can be a lover.

Your parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is responsible for slowing your body down so you can conserve energy. It’s activated when you feel deeply relaxed. The beginning stages of sexual arousal are a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. To put it simply, it's easier to become aroused if you are in a relaxed state.

The sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system do not normally operate simultaneously, except when you approach the  orgasmic phase of sex. This includes symptoms like heavy breathing and elevated heart rate and blood pressure resulting in a tense feeling of wanting to release the accumulated energy. But you won't get there unless you start out in a relaxed state.  For the penis to fill with blood you must drop into your parasympathetic nervous system and down-regulate your sympathetic nervous system. 

But “trying” to turn off the fight-or-flight response through mind chatter will only lead you to become more anxious rather than less. The best way to turn off the anxiety is to consciously activate the relaxation response through the body. Sensate-focus exercises that you'll be learning in this course will provide you with one way of doing this. 

In fact, the Victorious breathing practice you learned has this component built into it. When you notice the sensation of the breath moving in and out of your nose, when you become aware of the movement of your belly expanding and contracting with your inhalation and exhalation, when you listen to the sound of your own breath.  All of these are entry points into activating your natural relaxation response and stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system. 

When you turn your attention to one of your senses, you come into the present moment, where anxiety does not exist. During sexual activity, it can help to focus on your sensory experience rather than analyzing the event.  This can help bring you into the present moment, and let go of anxious thoughts about performing, which are always projections of the past or the future.  

Practice by fully immersing yourself in one sense at a time, blocking everything else out.  Over time you get really good at dropping into a state of relaxation while at the same time be highly attuned to the present moment, allowing for heightened states of arousal. Start by practicing alone and then with your partner. 

When you stroke a lover’s skin, do it with your full awareness, feeling the sensation in your fingers. And when she touches you, bring all your attention to the moment and what you're feeling. Focusing on your sensations and the exact point of skin contact provides the mental tool to keep your mind occupied and less likely to get caught up in anxious thoughts. And if all else fails, just keep coming back to your own breath.

Learning to slow things down and be sexually intimate in ways other than  intercourse allows time for you and your partner’s energy to integrate. Give your partner a sensual massage or take a warm bath together. These activities naturally activate the relaxation response in the body and allow.

Take turns pleasing each other with manual stimulation or oral sex so you don't always have to feel pressured to get or keep an erection.  There are so many others ways to enjoy sexual exploration other than just P in V, or Penis in Vagina sex. 

<Relationship Problems>

Another factor that can impact your erections is relationship issues. Interpersonal problems with your sexual partner can affect how your erections respond.  I

If you are experiencing relationship problems, It's important to acknowledge them. A relationship with a lot of conflict or fighting raises your stress hormones, and we have already discussed how that can impact your ability to achieve an erection.  So it’s important that you take an honest look at the health of your intimate relationship and seek help if needed. 

Sometimes your dick is saying what your mouth won’t. You don’t really want to have sex with this person. Sometimes it’s a long-term partner you’ve lost interest in, but you keep trying to force yourself to have sex in order to prevent conflict. Maybe it’s a casual partner that we’re not that attracted to or don’t feel that comfortable with—but hey, it’s sex, right? 

There is a false narrative that men are supposed to always want sex and be ready to with anytime with any sexually attractive partner. But of course this is just not true for most men.  

In today’s hookup culture, there is an assumption that we should be able to meet someone for the first time and have great sex right away.  This is especially true of men who are often portrayed as less emotional when it comes to sex. But many people, both male and female, have a hard time relaxing with a new partner that they don’t feel some level of affection or heart connection with. If this describes you, it’s okay to not rush straight to sex when you meet someone new. Go on a few dates just doing fun things together, getting to know each other before jumping into bed. Taking it slow can actually serve a dual purpose, both building desire and magnetism, while at the same time developing a level of trust that your penis may need to Get Up and Stay Up!

In contrast, there are a few men who actually lose desire and the ability to get an erection as they develop loving feelings towards their woman. Rather than seeing her as a sex partner, she may take on a motherly role for you. Maybe she has become an actual mother to your kids and you see her as a mommy rather than a hot mama. Or you may start to feel overly protective of her and take on a fatherly role.

These identifications are often normal as we progress in a relationship. But when we start to see our partners in these roles only, it can kill desire and consequently your erection. Even when you adore a woman and want to care and tend to her, it may be necessary for you to step out of that lovey-dovey role when it comes to sex. This is where fantasy and role play can come in handy. Sometimes we just need to objectify our partners a little bit to activate those primal urges. I personally get really turned on when my man takes on a dominant tone in the bedroom. When he steps into his raw masculine nature, it gives me permission to surrender into my soft feminine side that longs to submit to a confident man who knows what he wants.

If you are interested in playing with these or other dynamics in the bedroom, check out the books on erotic roleplaying in the Resource page for this module that can help you get started. Remember, sex starts in the mind, so let’s bring our imaginations into the play.